The Continuation yadda yadda...

We last left off with our hero returning home from her long journey through the World as she had never experienced before *cheesy music starts to play and a good lookin' young lady is standing in the doorway of her Mother's ranch styled home. The wind is blowing through her hair and then... then she wakes the hell up and realizes that her house key doesn't fit through the doorknob of the old house she grew up in high school in* DANG IT!!



On the previous post I was skimming through all the dreadful details to hit only the main points, but this one will be different. For starters, let's just say my dear sweet mother went through a mid-life crisis after her divorce from my daddy. Not only had she been put on depression meds (it's a common theme in our household... yet another elephant in the room that no one ever wants to talk about), but she went through this phase of painting, and repainting the walls of the house, carpeting and re carpeting the small living room and all the way to the back of the house (hallway), and tiling... then re tiling the kitchen floors with the fake and cheap ass linoleum stuff you can buy at a discount store. :( But worst of all of these things... worst of all, apparently in the 2.5 years of me being gone (17-nearly 20yrs of age) she had the locks on the front door changed 14 times. *long sigh* I love her, but damn. I mean, we didn't ever get along until I was a mature adult, but alot of the times... it really wasn't me rebelling... it was me reacting rationally to her wild behavior *nod nod*.



So anyhow, yes, I returned back to Hinesville Georgia, nearly 20years old and ready to start anew, right? Well my family is kinda jacked up... so when I got in town (after calling my mother, and father, who lives an hour and 40min from her) when I got to mum's house, I couldn't get in, and no matter who I called ( my brother's and sister) No one was really in any hurry to meet up with me and welcome me home. I was used to that type of behavior when I lived there but after being gone 2 years... I was accustomed to normal family interaction... *sigh* Anyways... where was I? I quit at Victoria's secret and started working the night shift at the Target store in Savannah. Unfortunately my car that had gotten me from FL to Co had died on me out there and I was borrowing my mom's Chevy tracker. Did I mention she was crazy? Cause yea... she crazy.



I only lived with her for three months (along with my eldest sibling, sister who is 4 years older than me, and kid brother who is 2 years younger than me) and I noticed that everyone was freeloading off of her. So much so, that I was helping her with the mortgage, the electricity bill, and paying for her car insurance! Now... I'm not gonna lie, I didn't mind helping with the first two but there were many occasions that I had to say "OK, seriously... why am I the only one who has to pay for car insurance..." only to have her threaten me with "If you don't want to pay you can just leave my car here and walk to Savannah every night..." and eventually I just got fed up. Fed up and stopped helping her pay for it. It was just like... "expected" and really pissed me off, ya know? Don't "expect" me to help you when your other children don't and they walk all over you and your authority. We're all adults here... let's have a family chat about finances....

You'll never guess where that idea landed me. Let's see... it's Wednesday night, 8pm, I'm driving to work, gotta be there by 9. I work the night shift, and get home around 6am. Outside the front door is all of my belongings packed up, and the front door's lock changed, again, and a note that is asking that I and my stuff not be on "her"property by the time she got home for dinner (approximately 5pm).



So... I went back to Savannah and pretty much had to ask my boss for a few days off to go apartment shopping and find a solution to carry me through until that all worked out. Luckily for me, I had a co-worker that lived about 10minutes away from my mom's house. They stepped in and we ended up carpooling to work. He was very nice. He was actually one of the folks I was casually dating up until the carpooling started. Lol, I had no idea he lived 'that' close to my mom's house rofl, andI didn't even ask him to carpool, someone else did without even telling me. Anyways we had alot in common (regarding the musical arts hehe) and went on a few dates that revolved around our love of music. Lot's of mini-concerts, lots of amateur nights in clubs I could never get in (because I was just a year shy of legally getting through the door), and just had a good time whenever. But then we started carpooling, and put up this facade that we weren't even seeing one another. We also both thought it would be AWESOME to get a two bedroom apartment in Savannah together, cause he was like 26 and still living with his parents as well. (Why my caution lights never went off with this guy in the beginning, is beyond me).



Yadda Yadda we started dating and got an apartment in Savannah. I think us dating barely made it to a year... but the drama that followed us officially calling it "official" was more than apparent. You learn alot about a person when you live with them. Like... Oh, I didn't realize that he was on 5 different types of medications for depression and other psychological issues that he battled with. On top of that he was a raging alcoholic as well. At this point and time I hadn't even remotely been drawn to drink alcohol, and if he was the example of it's results, I was glad to no even want to taste one drop.



We fought alot about rent and the bills. He made just a little more than I did, but his checks would go straight to the ABC liquor store first, then the left overs would come to "his part" of bills. When you're living on your own and paying 845 bucks a month for rent (not even including utilities), and you can't make ends enough to eat more than ramen noodles/spaghetti every night for dinner because you are making just barely that much in minimum wage a month... it's gets nerve wrecking to be handed over 50 bucks here, and 70 bucks there to "help pay because it's all he had". It reminded me of living with my mother. Hell, she didn't even pay me to pay for shit but it was the same damn thing, in my head.



Apparently my bickering annoyed him so much that he broke up with me. But under all of that it was worse than that. Before we "split" he would have these moments that he'd black out and get all psycho on me and start referring to me as "Rachel"... Allow me to explain. A year prior to moving to the area (and in with his parents) he was in North Carolina, dating some gal named Rachel. He did everything for her, and she returned the favor by screwing his best friend in their living room around the time he'd usually get off of work. So he snapped and beat the living daylights out of her, had to go to rehab, and was put on all these meds and sent back "home".



Details I hadn't known much about until after the "him choking me up against a wall and calling me Rachel, after asking if he had his half of the rent check ready for me to turn in" incident. So yes I was fed up and got into his drunken face about the rent check and how I couldn't pay for his half again and he just snapped and pushed me up against the wall, choking me and smiling. Before I passed out I just remembered him calling me an evil bitch and spitting in my face all like "fuck you Rachel, you evil bitch".

Coming to was wild. He was sitting there rocking back and forth, eyes all bloodshot, crying and apologizing and stroking my hair. "I'm so sorry. I love you. Idk where that all came from. Forgive me. I'll never do that again. I thought you were dead. I love you. *constant crying*". It all scared the HELL out of me, but I didn't know what to do. At this point, I had had at least 4 different college roomies, and even a live in girlfriend room mate, but never a psycho... I was scared. I ended up picking up extra work shifts and paying all the bills, and avoiding him completely at home, and at work. Not just because of this one incident. But because it became routine, and more and more abusive each time.

I stopped sleeping in my bedroom because he had broken the lock on the door. I slept in the upstairs bathtub. I stopped eating, I stopped socializing with people, I changed my work schedule to work days (while he worked nights) and even that didn't stop him. He walked right into work on day behind me, in the employee bathroom and locked the door behind us. I didn't even see him coming. He just turned me around as quickly as he possibly could and pushed me up against the wall and quietly said "If I wanted to find you, I could. Don't think that you can just avoid me." and then he walked out like nothing happened. Now... all of this was confusing the hell out of me. He, actually had broken up with me during one of his many "episodes" and that's what led me to just "Not deal with him unless it was to pay bills before the lease was up on the apartment we had gotten". Months later, he was still irrational. So much so that after breaking up with me, he tried to pick a fight with me while I was on the phone with my mother. He ended up pushing me out the 2nd story window and onto the grill and breaking my leg. Our neighbor knew that some excuse was gonna come up and that he wouldn't get charges pressed so she called the police and ended up filing against him about the whole ordeal. He wasn't happy about it so when I was discharged from the hospital, we got into another fight about the "nosey neighbor" and I pulled a knife on him because he was getting in my face. I had had enough of him, and if he really wanted to beat up on me he wasn't going to walk away like he always had. Bad idea. He had his own box cutter on him and when I pulled the knife out, he smirked and said "Oh I'm hurt... you'd actually use that on me? Newsflash Shar... I love you more than you love me. I'd hurt myself before you ever could, you're just... that... perfect... to me..." All the while he's crying and stabbing at his chest and then slits his wrists and falls to the ground.



The police and ambulance came in (the neighbor had called them after the screaming and crying wouldn't stop) and at first I was cuffed, cause I was still shaking, in front of the doorway, covered in drops of his blood, and holding a knife. Then the neighbor came over and said she was watching from the back window and had pretty much vouched for me and my version of what had happened. I was uncuffed, the house was swept for all the alcohol containers, and knifes/box cutters, he was put on oxygen and bandaged up, then taken away.... The rest of the night was a blur. I was at the neighbors. I slept on her couch. I went home early the next morning and scrubbed the blood off the walls an off the floor, off the carpet, and off the bathroom door. It was insane. Insane but over? I had received a letter from a psychiatric center that had been treating him. They pretty much let me know that he was in their custody for at least 20/25days and that he had given my name to be the only person to be able to get him released from their care, early.



But I did manage to get away from town for like a month and a half and met up with some buddies from Florida. We all met up in Atlanta and partied hard. It was awesome. It was like a vacation away from all the craziness that I allowed myself to put up with. I was now 21, and could drink with everyone and enjoyed myself a Lil vacay.



When I returned home... it was a different story. The ex, had returned. He looked and smelled like he hadn't bathed in weeks, and had gained like 20lbs. Now... honestly I didn't mind the weight gain, but the fact that he was so gross in the first place just really made it hard not to notice it as well. He looked ill. It broke my heart. I tried to talk to him, and offered to "help" him with his drinking problems... Ya know what that got me? A crying 27/28 year old drunk, asking me to take him back because he loved me, and that I was so "pure" and so "forgiving" that I had to see that he was "battling" with "demons" and he needed direction....






All hogwash I had heard before and after having a month to clear my head of all the constant drama, I had had enough of his bullshit. He left my apartment and didn't show face for 3 months. Life was good man. Really laid back. I had started to rediscover my old friends that I had left behind and I was taking better care of myself. It was awesome.



Halloween came around and my coworkers wanted to dress up and go clubbing. Lol... Why not? Whats the worst that could happen? So I got all dolled up as black barbie and went out with my girls that night.



October 31st, 2006. The night that would change my life had begun. :)



Okay okay, I know what you're thinking... Whoa... way too much info, girl. Well you know what? Fuck you. If it was tmi you would've stopped reading paragraphs ago,lol. This is my blog and I will say what I want to. Don't like it? Stop reading. Simple as that.



We'll pick back up on the next post, aye? :)



One love

Kiss Kiss

Well that survey did absolutely nothing for me...

I thought posting a 100question survey would do the whole "Getting to know me" thing and I wouldn't have to worry about one.... apparently I'm horrible at picking a survey to do such a thing lol... so here goes.

Hi *waves* I'm Sharmain :). I'm 24 years old, I'm a mother of soon to be 2.5 children (married with 8yr old step daughter, a 21month old son, and a four day old infant son ). Sometimes I'm asked about why I decided to marry and have kids so soon, and I just shrug and say "It was fate, can't change a thing about that." But recently I've noticed... a bunch of my peers (particularly the ones I grew up around or went to school with) are still single, or just now considering "putting a ring on it". So... yea I'm not gonna lie, I've been living in "what if" land, in the back of my mind as of recent... Hm this is getting off topic. Back to "Getting to know me", shall we? :)

I'm an Army Brat of sorts. Only lived in two places while growing up though. Germany and Hinesville Georgia. My mother's family is from Florida, as is my Father's birth family... but we spent most of our time in Germany because that was where his adoptive family lived. Anyhow, moving to the states was great and Hinesville has come a long way since I was in my pre-teens. Hailing from a family of six, you learn to just appreciate the world around you as is... and expect nothing.

Despite our strong Christian upbringing, we're all human and are prone to falling from our own forms of grace right? With that being said, no matter how much church, church camp, church schooling and college we went through (or were put through) my happy family of six ended in divorce at the age of 14. Infidelity was the culprit and as much as I didn't want to (because I was closer to my father) I, along with my siblings signed over ourselves to live the rest of our legally under aged lives with my mother... because she was the Innocent of the two. (Sigh)

We struggled a while. The last three years of grade school were full of obstacles but I managed to get out of there in a timely manner. at the age of 17, college was next on my list to head off to. Lucky for me, my brother that is a year older than me, had decided to go to the same bible college as me, and had already been there a year prior to my arrival, so it was (at first) and fun and appreciated experience.

Fun, that is, until reality settled in and I had realized that I signed myself up for a huge disappointment. Suddenly 6am Music 101 classes, and "Christian Womanhood" courses bothered me but not as much as the Elephant in the room. Racism. I've never really been one who ever felt the need to play "the race card" because growing up in Germany, that was never an issue. There, I wasn't ever viewed as "Black" or "African American", I was "American". But now, in a college environment full of King James Version, Baptists, in Florida, ... where my brother and I were 2 out of 5 black students (my first year)... plenty of occasions had come up to where I felt judged for all of the wrong reasons.

Not only was I in a close minded environment (race-wise), but also I went from almost always being surrounded by normal everyday people to being surrounded by people from the age of 17-24years that were mostly from missionary families, or daughters/sons of Pastors that were raised with so many boundaries, and oblivious to what the real world was really like. In my mind I was living in "bubble world" and it was very depressing.

Other than the flack I got from getting engaged to a Native American/Mexican guy at the school, I was also starting to get negative attention for other small things. (Wearing pants on my holiday breaks, and straight up flipping out on people). The pressure to live in this unbearable environment one day just exploded and I woke up one morning, packed up my belongings, met up with my fiance' at the time, and his sister, and we left that school, and that town altogether.
(Not to mention, the school was unaccredited until this year... March of this year.... 8years later AFTER leaving it... so it was such a huge wasn't of my time and money there.)

If you're still reading, here's where things get a little interesting lol. I'm trying to squeeze a few years of my crazy life into one post lol... bare with me.

After breaking' ties with the fiance' (Yes I was wrong and cheated on him... technically it was set up to fail anyhow, and my bachlorette party was a shitty place to do it on, but in all reality I was just newly 18 years old and had gotten cold feet fast... you live and learn. And luckily my young and dumb days are long gone.) I opted for a huge change of pace and met up with a few friends in Orlando, made a band, and took a road trip from Florida all the way to Colorado Springs, Colorado! Lol yes... of all places Colorado. Best trip of my life. For once I felt like an 18year old, and not a prisoner to a form a life that I only agreed with to a certain extent! lol

Smoking grass, traveling, and stopping at random bars/coffee houses to play and sing a bunch of covered songs by various artists....we were living the life and it all felt like a dream! I was lead vocalists, and also got to add my 2cents in with a little guitar picking'. Me along with 4 others (Nii-nii (Juanita), Shaun, Cody, and Sammy) pretty much lived off of tips and we didn't go without what we needed the whole trip. (The trip lasted about a month long). After arriving to Colorado, Sammy and Cody (brothers) moved back in with their parents, Shaun got a real job with FedEx, and Nii-nii and I didn't want to go back home, so we both got hired at Victoria's Secret, and became roomies. Within 2 years our friendship turned into a relationship, and we really seemed to be a good fit. (She's so beautiful, inside and out... Looks just like Alyssa Milano, just shorter hehe.)

Time flew by and we agreed that we both wanted more out of life, and that our relationship was more of a phase than anything else we were both going through. Point blank, life would just be easier for the both of us in every aspect of living (marriage, children, drama in general) if we'd split and go back home lol. I love her dearly and I wish her, her husband and two kids the best in life. Sadly, I still have a cd that she made for me... lol... when we were youngins... lol... it's all scratched up but I think in the last 7 years I've listened to it like 3x hahaha! Probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever given to me, so it'll stay in my Cd holder, in my car, until it's lost completely.

ANYWAYS, 19years old, I finally decided to show my face again, back closer to home. My parents were relieved that I hadn't returned to them like some crazy looking crack whore/fiend (or stripper like my sister) and all in all life went back to normal. I ended up working a the Victoria's Secret close to home (transferring from the Colorado springs one to Savannah) and after four years, decided to work at Target instead.


Wow...this is a long post eh? And I've just only grazed the surface of where the story of my life really starts to lay down it's own foundation! Lol... Hm mayhaps it is time to end this post and restart another one to keep the story going. Interesting yet? Ugh... I swear I just feel like no one really knows me but a few select people in my life... so this is sorta my way of telling the rest of the people who know me... but... I'm sure they won't even read this rofl... so... yea...

I'm gonna get off the computer right now, shower, and head to Walmart. Another post will pop up soon and I'll finish up bringing' yous guys up to date so I can start talking about my lovely new family/children and life as it is now :)

One love
Kiss Kiss

1. What is your name? Sharmain

2. How old are you? 24

3. Are you sure? Yes... until August, I'm sure I'll be 24yrs old lol

4. What is your earliest memory? My next door neighbors mom literally had no neck... her head was just on her shoulders... It was weird.

5. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Blue Motha Fucka's or a White Russian

6. What is your favorite vegetable? Brocolli

7. Do you remember your first day at school? Nope

8. What is the worst exam result you remember ever getting? F

9. How tall are you? 5'2

10. Can you swim? Kind of...

11. Who is your favorite movie actress? Tasha Smith

12. Who is your favorite movie actor? Not sure

13. Who is your favorite comedian? Kevin Hart

14. Who is your favorite politician? Tony Blair

15. Who is your favorite historical figure (been dead for at least 100 years)? Blah, don't have one

16. Who is your favorite super-heroine? Betty White? :)

17. Who is your favorite super-hero? Wolverine

18. Can you name a female scientist other than Madame Curie? Jane Goodall

19. Who is your favorite mythological god or goddess? Aphrodite of course!

20. Who is your favorite woman of all time? I honestly don't have one...

21. Do you agree with "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"? In a sense... but not exactly a literal one.

22. Do you agree with "Life does not forgive weakness"? Yes. It's true. It really doesn't. Health-wise, career-wise, and everything else. It's so true... the weak do not survive.

23. Do you agree with "It is the enemy who can truly teach us to practice the virtues of compassion and tolerance"? Yes

24. Do you agree with "The state can do what they want to do"? No

25. Do you agree with "If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country"? Nah

26. Do you agree with "If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads"? *shrugs* not too sure about this one...

27. Do you agree with "Crime is a product of social excess"? Hmmm idk about this one...

28. Do you agree with "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? Yes

29. Do you agree with "And mankind is naught but a single nation"? Nope

30. Do you agree with "Bulimia is soooo '87"? Rofl. Stupid saying...

31. What is the worst movie you have ever seen? WATCHMEN

32. What is the worst TV show you have ever seen? Chuck

33. What is the worst book you have ever read? When I find one I'll re-edit this one :)

34. What is the worst song you have ever heard? Hmmm there is alot of them out there

35. What is the worst sport you know of? NASCAR!

36. Who is the worst movie "star" ever? Tom Cruise

37. Who is the worst comedian ever? Too many to list

38. Who is the worst author ever? Char. I worked with him at Target. Not sure what book he wrote but after taking like 2months off of work, he came back after book sales were "wonk wonk" lolz!

39. Who is the worst musical act ever? Not sure lol.

40. Who is the worst sports "star" you have ever seen? That one rookie that never made it that one time... lol

41. If you could go back in time to witness an historical event in person, what event would you want to see? The Salem witch Trials hehe

42. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? To see my dad

43. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would you meet? Tony Blair :)

44. If you could become famous for one thing, what would that thing be? Singing

45. If you could buy anything regardless of cost, what would you buy? The largest jackpot winnings known to man. Then I'd invest it and live well :)

46. If you could change any one thing about your country, what would it be? Blah, no comment...

47. If you could change any one thing about international politics, what would it be? No comment

48. If you could meet any famous person who is dead, who would it be? Micheal Jackson

49. If you could become dictator of the world, would you? Why wouldn't I?

50. If you could eat an entire cow at one sitting, would you? No...

51. Have you ever illegally downloaded music/TV shows/movies from the net? Nope

52. Have you ever used illegal narcotics (yes, even pot counts if it was illegal at the time)? Lol if you've never smoked pot at least once growing up, ur boring lol.

53. Have you ever gotten any points on your driving license? Nope

54. Have you ever stolen anything from a shop? Yea... a piece of candy!

55. Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes while underage? Nope

56. Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes for another person who was underage? Hell no

57. Have you ever tried to cheat the taxman/social security/other government agency? Whoa, no not at all.

58. Have you ever ridden on a train or bus without paying? lol nope

59. Have you ever been arrested? Yes

60. Have you ever been charged with a crime ... ? Charges were dropped so, technically no

61. What's the furthest you've ever been from home? Probably when I ventured off to live in Colorado Springs, Colorado

62. Where have you visited that you would like to go back to? Colorado lol

63. Where would you like to visit that you haven't yet? California

64. Where is your favorite place in the world? Not sure yet. Haven't been "all over" just yet. :)

65. Where have you visited that you hope never to go to again? Run down, broke ass, daleville Alabama

66. Where would you definitely never go to? Samalia

67. Where is your least favorite place in the world? SAMALIA

68. What is your favorite way to travel ? Airplane?

69. What is your least favorite way to travel? foot lol

70. What is the capital of Assyria? Assur/Nineveh

71. What was the last movie you saw? The Men that Stare at Goats

72. Was it any good? IT was... weird lol

73. What was the last book you read? What to expect when Expecting

74. Was it any good? Informative... and it's the third time I've read through it :)

75. What was the last song you listened to? Knock You Down

76. Was it any good? Love it

77. What was the last computer game you played? Family Feud

78. Did you do well? No... lol

79. What was the last meal you ate? chocolate lucky charms! lol

80. Was it any good? Mmmh nomnomnom

81. Do you believe in God/Goddess/Gods/Goddesses? God

82. Do you agree with the war in Iraq? Yes

83. Do you believe in aliens? No

84. Do you agree with the theory of evolution? Nope

85. Do you believe in reincarnation? Nope

86. Do you agree with the idea of the UN? Why not?

87. Do you believe in karma? Yes

88. Do you agree with the theories of man-induced global warming? Sure

89. Do you believe in democracy above all other systems of government? Eh... idk about all that

90. Do you agree with Freddie Mercury when he sings "Fat-bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round"? lol sure

91. What is your favorite movie? West Side Story (even though it's a musical)

92. What is your favorite book? Don't have one

93. What is your favorite song? Meet Virginia

94. What is your favorite city? Don't have one

95. What is your favorite sport? Basketball

96. What is your favorite place in the world? In my head

97. Are you glad these questions are almost over? Yes :)

98. What are you going to do next? Laundry

99. Do you anticipate this activity being fun? Loads ... literally LOL

100. Give us a quote to end on. "Life's too short to be putting up with other people's bullshit."